I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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