it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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