just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
