I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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