Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
