you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
