If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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