I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
