Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it's like heaven, but drunker
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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