You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
