i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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