I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
COCAINE IS GR8
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
