I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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