yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We smell like vodka and hangover
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