hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
