So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
