and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
