booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
