Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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