saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
