So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
