Betty ford says i'm here all night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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