I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
