He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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