i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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