there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
