Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize