He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
