I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
