I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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