based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
