Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
