So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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