i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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