I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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