My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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