a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
smell my finger.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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