one might say we're banned from that church
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
