I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
