dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
