so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
