what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
