Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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