this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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