Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
