got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
