My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
