I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
