If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Congratulations! We have a period
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
