I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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