So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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