Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
