i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
