just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
