I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
