no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
