There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize